So very precious
Oh I had ever such a feeling last night. I'm hopelessly in love with Mr J. Hopelessly in love. I can't imagine living without him. I think about him constantly. They say men think about sex ever XXX number of seconds - and I think of him even more often than that.
He's been a bit quiet the past few days, and on Sunday he seemed a little distant. I asked a couple of times what was wrong, and nothing was. Perhaps he was just tired, although if he's stressed or making up his mind he also gets quiet like that.... But somewhere at the back of my mind I wanted to be there for Mr J to share what was wrong... I also realised that I'd been quiet assertive in the past couple of weeks. I thrive on organisation. I tend to plan every aspect of my life, so I can make the most of every day. Filling my days with life.... of course, a plan can always be changed, but I do like plans. mr J, however, likes being spontaneous - and I love that in him. I love the way he is, and I love the calming influence he has on me. On my own, as long as I'm not depressed (which often happens when I'm alone for too long), I do tons of stuff. I suppose I do lots to stop feeling alone and depressed.
With Mr J, I do less, and it's calmer. I like it. He has this amazingly chilled vibe about him. He's so cool. Everyone warms to him immediately - and yet his calmness is matched by fantastic charisma. And he can get excited and show enthusiasm for things - he's such an amazing combination.... I'm so very lucky.
Anyway, we're organising the renovation of the new flat. We've got a team of builders, we've had to choose a kitchen, tiles, agree budgets, organise financing, selling the old kitchen on eBay, find bathroom furniture, design and order Tatami.. the list seems endless. And everything takes ages. And the longer we take, the longer it is till stuff is ordered - and even when it's ordered stuff takes ages to arrive.... it's all very time consuming, and there stress there as well.... And well, my organisational side just kicks into overdrive... And in the last few days especially, well, Sunday was the trigger (although I was aware of it before), for me to realise that Mr J's spontaneous side has been suffocated for a while. And I feel so guilty about it. I feel really really guilty. I love his spontaneous side, and although there is a lot to do - perhaps we can take our time about it.. We'll stay at my mother's place for a month and a half - would it really matter if we were there for two and a half? Probably not.
So I've been feeling guilty, and then last night when Mr J was away on a work trip, I watched Desperate Housewives, which I usually love. Except there was innuendo of infidelity and it made me feel awful. The guilt of suppressing Mr J's spontaneous side, and his distance on Sunday made me think how awful it would be not to have Mr J..... And then Mr J didn't call and I felt awful. I miss him when he's away and the simple glimpse at the imagination of what it would be like without him was enough to make me feel so blue.
It was tough night as well, because there were road works with one of the pneumatic drills outside my flat until 4 am - so my sleep was really bad...
But we've spoken on the phone and I confessed I had a bad vibe - he was so loving, as he always is.... he's caring and gentle and lovely. And he's mine. He's so precious, so very precious..... Lucky me.
1 Comments:
Yes P you are lucky, but that must never be taken for granted. It is obvious that you are thinking about it and aware of what is going on. As long as you keep the communications open and can talk through any issues you will be fine.
Mr J being away has made you more aware of him and that is the good side of missing him, so that when he comes back you can really show him how much he matters to you P.
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