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08/06/2003 Spurt: "Retail anti-therapy"

�I've found a fabulous top babes, you just have to see it. I look fab!�. So said my friend. He�d just had a dreadful day at the office [or was it a new silly pointless spat with his boyfriend? I forget; I wasn�t being a particularly good friend. I was working late. It must have been almost 6 in the evening, and I�d been working since 4 a.m.] This friend had gone shopping-silly all evening. �Darling, you know that blue top I�ve got with the zip on the back? No, no, the one that�s not too tight � I took that tight one back� You know which one, don�t you darling? Yes, yes, that one. Well they�ve got it with thick horizontal semi-opaque sections on it, in dark brown. Subtle yet sexy. Are you picturing it? Good, so do you think it�d be over-the-top if I bought it, you know, having it in non-opaque dark blue already?� There was I trying to get my work finished in time to be able to have dinner with so-and-so as planned, and so I listened only half heartedly: but with a startling effect.

People use the term �shopping therapy�, and they mean it to say that shopping will make you happy when other crap in your life is going wrong. Listening to him whittle on made me realise that he really had forgotten the reason why he had been down or stressed. He was so excited by this new dilemma. To buy or not to buy, that was his question. And me, who was supposed to be helping sans 3G video phone, could only think that it was odd that a new top could be more important than the looming break-up with his boyfriend. That�s what this was all about. He knew his boyfriend was about to move back to Finland because he had finished his university studies here, and the only way he could stop thinking about it was to engage in some mini-shopping dilemma-crisis, which he would solve, before arriving home with a fist-full of designer-successes.

He hates his job, his heart is hurting bad, he doesn�t think he can cope with being single again � who could knock him for having some fun at the shops. It was clearly working, they�d say, he sounded as if he was having the time of his life in Selfridges.

Well I don�t say that. He wasn�t happy. We�re so used to living in consumer societies that our natural instinct is to hand over wads of cash [well, handing over our cards really, but you get the point], in exchange for some consumer goods. Food, drink, clothes. Events, services, outings. Did I just say outings? Silly me, I meant experiences. The service sector is the dominating one in our societies. We just pay each other for stuff we could do our selves, but are too lazy to do. And, by some funny twist, it�s more efficient this way: being lazy means people specialise, and so we are all able to consume more. More goods, more services. Marvellous! I�m not knocking it, mind you � capitalism is great precisely because everyone gets more. But I�m far from convinced that we should rely on capitalism for our emotions. In fact, I�m pretty convinced we should avoid it when it comes to our emotions.

What my friend could have done, is gone for a long walk along the Thames; it was a lovely evening, could have done him the world of good. He�d hesitate for ages if I suggested he did stuff alone, and would then probably say no. But as weird as doing stuff on your own is, I think it�s a great experience to get used to. It can settle the nerves: I don�t see how people can expect to feel grounded if they can�t take time out and just feel comfortable with their own personal world, as well as the wider world around them. Sure his new subtle/sexy-half-vaguely-transparent top was excitement, but what he�s left with when the excitement goes is a fairly unknown-self. Your soul, the essence of yourself, is something that you can only take time-out with when you�re not doing anything else, when you�re not shopping, when you�re not eyeing up some guy, when you�re not at work or doing the chores at home. You can feel it and nurture it more intimately when you strip out the chatter of life: but it�s always there supporting or draining you. If you�re essentially feeling hurt inside because your boyfriend is about to leave the country, then no matter what you�re busy doing, the feeling of emptiness is never far away: and it�ll end up dragging you down for far too long. Of course, it�s never going to be pleasant, but unless you take time to care for the essence you have within, then I can�t see how it�s possible to have it supporting you when difficult things happen in your life.

I�m no expert, but someone who knows a lot once told me this: give yourself a treat every day. The easy treats are things you buy: the more effective treats are things you do. Yesterday my friend could have gone for that walk I mentioned. Taking some time for himself, following through the thoughts that he�s been too scared to envisage. Taking the time to get used to the forthcoming change. Getting used to the idea. Accepting it, and realising that he has other good things in his life. Thinking about how much he likes his house and how lucky he is to have a great family. Realising that he has so many friends who�ll look after him when he�s ill or single. I�m not saying he would ever forget his sadness about loosing a boyfriend he�s had for 3 years, but balancing it with the good things in life too � so he sees the bigger picture and sees it in context.

Today he could take me up on that massage offer I gave him. Tomorrow he could organise to go out with his friends a bit later after work, and take some time for himself to read that magazine he bought on the weekend. The day after he might just have a quiet night in, because he�s tired and has been for weeks � but usually goes out, because somehow it�s easier to go out when he�s absolutely exhausted, than say no to a friend who�s pestering him to meet up.

What�s good about this exercise, is that it makes you think about how things are going to make you feel inside. It needn�t replace going out and having fun � but it�s a great addition and is worth taking the time for. Usually we think of the excitement and the froth of life, but making a decision to look after the essence of yourself every day is one I�m personally finding very powerful. So when my friends call me and ask how things are going, I can tell them what I�ve done for myself as well as what I�ve done on the outside. Today I went for a long gentle swim: not to get fit, but because I love the feeling of water passing over my head and down my back. It�s sensual and it makes me feel close to nature in a way that urban living doesn�t give me much opportunity for. Yes it was in a pool, and yes I have showers every day, but somehow it was brilliantly soothing. What treat did you give yourself today? What will you say when I ask the same question tomorrow? Tell me what treat you�ve given yourself today, and what you're planning for tomorrow... If nothing springs to mind - it's all the more reason to stop and think: Come on guys, spurt!

Your spurts:

Spurted by roman @ 12/08/2003 01:21 PM GMT

hey,

my name is roman,
i stay here in bournemouth for a few days,....
when you have some good adresses to go out....please let me know...

my number is +491723191111

thanks
roman

Spurted by roman @ 12/08/2003 01:21 PM GMT

Spurt? MMM well I preferred the diary but this is my spurt. I had a wa*k this morning and had a lovely huge spurt.

Spurted by Simon @ 18/06/2003 10:35 AM GMT

I ABSOLUTELY WILL BE BACK !!!
IT'S A AWESOME IDEA !!!!
THE MORE PIC'S OF YOU,THE MORE SUCCESSFUL THIS WILL BE !!!
YES,I KNOW IM A PIG !!! LOL

Spurted by JAMES BASSLER @ 16/06/2003 05:24 PM GMT

what a fab web page think this is going to be a regular site for me. Your quite a sex bomb. would love to see MORE pictures of you. how often is this updated? and are there many other sites like this, its a first for me. do you need any help running it. am 22m and available any time you need me.
ED

Spurted by ed @ 13/06/2003 03:41 PM GMT

Today I had took 30 minutes for my lunch break. Nobody at work takes more than 10 mins, but I was on top of my work and really wanted to go out, and I thought "P says I deserve a break"... And I thought, heck, if I can't take a break for 30 minutes on a sunny day when I'm on top of my work, then what am I doing with my life? Thank you P for giving me a lunch break!

Spurted by Tim @ 12/06/2003 07:50 PM GMT

I liked the diary :( End of spurt.

Spurted by Jason @ 10/06/2003 07:12 PM GMT

The pressure that come with a big move. I recently moved from Nashville, TN to Atlanta, GA. The move has been the best thing for me in years. After living in San Francsico for 10yrs. Nashville was a harsh opposit. But when following our dreams, we do crazy things. I had an opportunity to start my own company and I did. However, living in Nashville was just not for me.
This change has been wonderful.... I must have walked 20 miles on friday night, just clearing my head and looking forward to all the new adventures. But recently I have started taking 30 min in the morning to just be still with my thoughts. Being still is not easy, I find myself wandering from thought to thought randomly and without warning. But my thoughts somehow are slowly starting to move in a direction of their own. Stillness and meditation for me have let more of my creative side surface. So rather than shop and spend money that i should be saving. I find a quite place, no computers, no phone, no TV. Just me, myself and I. Maybe i'll sit next to the lake or perhaps walk in the rose garden. But I'm **** to be TRUELY me. It's always easier to look beautiful than to be beautiful. For now my intention is to create inner beauty!

Spurted by Bailey @ 09/06/2003 03:34 PM GMT

Oooh, this is fun. I'll give it a go P.

Well today is a major treat day, I'm having a power shower installed. I can't really afford it, I've had a lot of other expenses recently, but I'm sick of the pathetic excuse for a shower I have at the moment.

Having spent the last 3 months house hunting with the other half for a new home for him I got a bit unsettled myself so this should make me enjoy my own home more.

I must admit I've always found retail therapy helpful, but with a limited income I do have to be a bit careful. Still, who knows what tomorrow will bring, you might as well enjoy today!

Spurted by NickM @ 09/06/2003 07:26 AM GMT

This might seem quaint, but my treat was in reading P's comments above. My life has been in a very painful, frustrating transition for the past year and a half. I've felt constantly burned out on life, especially over the past few weeks. I rushed to care for others without really knowing how to care for myself. Then I received an e-mail to "spurt" off with P. I thought, "Heh, more raunchy, superficial fluff." I then shrugged, "Why not? I've enjoyed P's coming out story, perhaps this will be good." I was so pleased to be right. Only, there was nothing "superficial" about what I read. Something in P's words woke me like a kiss of morning sunlight from my soulfriend. P asks me: "What am I doing to treat myself today?" My answer: I'm writing this, alone, in a dark room with no demands on my time. I don't have to jump when someone says "frog." I don't have to act "cute" or "funny" for the enetertainment of someone else. I can enjoy this blessed moment of peace and quiet, pet my cat, and drink hot cocoa. I am writing to a lovely, soulful man because I can. Because it is what I want to do, for myself. Thank you, P. Your words have helped me reconnect. Thank you for writing such thoughtful, intelligent, and courageous words. I cherish them and look forward to more.

Spurted by Donald Burch @ 09/06/2003 05:27 AM GMT

Mmm, today spent poolside- a relaxed early afternoon swim in the now tepid water, stepping out to absorb the bracing chill of moisture rapidly evaporating off my skin in the hot, dry desert breeze. Sprawled on the chaise lounge, refreshed, I sipped a chilled glass of Merlot in the shade of the orange tree, wandering amidst thoughts of distant places I've seen, and those I've yet to see.

Spurted by DavidnPHX @ 09/06/2003 05:08 AM GMT

Yesterday, I went on a hike with five other gay guys in a forest in deepest Derbyshire. We found a secluded place, took all our clothes off, took turns in handcuffing each other to pine trees, and beating each other with paddles and whips. First time I'd done that, and it was a treat for me! Maybe not everyone's idea of fun, though.

Spurted by Tony K @ 09/06/2003 04:01 AM GMT

Yesterday, I went to ����� and walked along the beach...
It isn't exactly the same as the ones back home in Australia, but at least it was a beach.
Then I went to La Qua and spent 3 hours at an ���� resort.
That's what I call a treat and a half.

Spurted by Dale @ 09/06/2003 01:11 AM GMT

Today's treat: had a lovely long hot bath with a glass of chilled white wine... and chocolate :)

Spurted by ThatP @ 08/06/2003 02:06 PM GMT