[Previous entry: "I want kids..."] [Main Index] [Next entry: "Speed Dating"] 23/07/2003 Spurt: "Gay social networking" London Pride – or Mardi Gras as they choose to call it – is this weekend. I’ll offer myself in costume as my contribution to the annual event, and in return I expect a fun time, a gaggle of gorgeous men to look at and much dancing. It’ll be fabulous, because I’ve already decided I’ll be having a good time. I was chatting to a good friend yesterday about Pride, and he said he was going, but had started to wonder about whether he’d have a good time, “the trouble with the gay men is that they’re all obsessed about getting laid. If they’re not on gaydar looking for a one-night stand, they’re taking drugs and dancing all night.” What struck me as being absurd, was that he didn’t think he was describing the gay scene, he thought he was describing gay men in general. I’d say the former would be incorrect (clearly not all gay men on the scene are only looking for one-night stands or are taking E), but the latter is just nonsense; yet, and here’s what I find amazing, he’s not the only person to think like that. For years, I’ve been saying that the “gay scene” is the best thing and the worst thing we have. It’s fabulous because it’s there when we need it. When we’re stuck in the closet at home/school/uni or in jobs. It’s there when, quite frankly, we’re feeling horny or when we want to dance or drink…. It’s there, smack bang in the centre of town, providing somewhere we can be ourselves, or be silly, or do whatever we want to do. We can feel like we’re not in a minority for once. It’s fabulous for all those reasons and more. But it’s also terrible because we can become dependant on it. We can (not that we all do, of course), forget that being gay is just one aspect of our identity. We can forget that there are so many things that are fun or interesting in a city apart from bars and clubs. When we can swap last night’s shag (who was annoying once he’d cum, when I was trying to sleep) for someone new and exciting tonight; we can forget that relationships are built on respect, care and compromise. It’s for some of those reasons, or others, that some people get fed up of the scene all together. But no longer going to the scene doesn’t make them stop being gay. A huge gay “community” exists invisibly. Gay dinner parties, gay friends who’ll meet to go shopping or to the cinema, gay couples who go on holiday. Men who are in 20-year relationships and live together in the hope they’ll grow older together. Gay men who’ve had a small number of consecutive medium-term relationships with people they’ve met at work or in their local super market. All these things exist, but because these masses of people aren’t on the gay scene, somehow some people forget they exist. I personally believe you do not need to conform if you want to fit-in on the gay scene. But some people clearly do feel pressure to dress well, or get in shape or change umpteen other aspects about themselves which they were perfectly happy about before they started going to Compton Street (or their local equivalent). I think that’s a shame, and makes the scene less diverse and interesting than it could be – but what I think is worse, is hearing people talk as if the alternative to being on the scene is not to exist. I don’t think I’ve ever met a boyfriend in a bar who’s lasted more than 6 months – most of my closest gay friends I’ve met in straight environments – or have been introduced to me. Nearly all gay men have gay friends – so naturally meeting your some of friends’ friends [and possibly even their friends’ friends] for dinner probably offers as much opportunity as a bar ever could. All of this type of thing goes on all the time – it just that we don’t see it happening.
The funny thing is that having just read what I’ve written above, it seems as if I’m anti-scene, which I’m most definitely not. I love the energy of the scene – despite my odd gripe of seven about it, it is diverse, and I nearly always have a good time when I dip in (once a month?) It just brings me back to my first point: it can be the best and the worst thing on offer to us, so I try my best to enjoy as much of the good, and ensure I’ve got enough else going on in my life, not to notice it’s short-comings…. I just wish my friend, who seems so very down right now, would do too – because I think it’d make him a happier person.
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Spurted by Neel @ 10/08/2003 03:16 PM GMT
Hi P: I have recently discovered your site, and i was plesantly surprised with its content. So keep up the good work! And I also find myself agreeing with many of the things you wrote about gay social networking, especial the part where you said people are pressured to conform to the scene. People do feel they need to dress up and hit the gym. But personally i think a much worse problem is to do with one's identity. A bisexual girl i know named Natalia is an good example. When i first met her some three years ago, she was freshly outta high school. And she was this sensitive, innocent, sweet, country looking girl. I can clearly remember how pretty she seemed to me even though im gay. However, it just pregressively got worse. She started going clubbing, smoking, drinking, and possibly drugs as well. She strated dying her hair, going for this punk look, wears extremely alternative hair. She was just a changed person. Now, don't get me wrong, im not criticising these lifestyle choices per se. But the buttom line is that i can tell she became more and more unhappy about herself. Last time i saw her, she was throwing up near a niteclub trying to keep a straight face when i ran up to help her. Later that year i heard she had dropped out of uni altogether. I feel extremely sad about a fall of this beautiful soul. But it'd be beyond my ability trying to save her. I wish there was a more loving and cleaner enviroment for her when she was trying to come to terms with her identity. Instead, her identity was stripped away from her before it had a chance. Maybe it's the scene, maybe it's not. But for those out there that are seeking a place where they can feel accepted and loved, i hope the day will come soon when i can say, "come, you troubled souls, we will love you just as you are here.")
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Spurted by Donald Burch @ 29/07/2003 02:30 AM GMT
How wacked is the scene in Japan? I mean, I walk in the bar, and this woman hands me a drink... I'm like... `woahhh!`. Anyhoo, glad to see that there are other people that do agree with me and my views on the scene. Hands up who wants to end up fucking your ex's ex's ex's ex?
Spurted by Dale @ 25/07/2003 02:11 PM GMT
P, I agree with you that the gay club scene serves as a fun pressure valve for those of us who live under great stress in our daily lives. The problem I see with it is that some people seek out the clubs for something other than a good time. In that case clubbing becomes discouraging and even dangerous. The club scene is the most visible aspect of gay life in my area. It was the only thing I knew about the gay community for most of my youth. It was the only role model I had (which in itself lead to much angst for me -- I had a completely ugly image of who and what homosexuals were). When I came out, I wanted to meet other gay people and make friends. I wanted a place to feel safe and accepted. The only place I knew to meet gay men was at a gay bar. My first trip was at once fantastic and horrifying. I could not BELIEVE a sexy male stripper gave me a lap dance on my first night out. I blushed fifty shades of red and loved every second of it. I got to play pool with other gay guys. I got to dance and marvel at unisex bathrooms in a public place. We all knew we were gay and it never mattered. I was in heaven. Imagine my confusion when those same people inexplicably backed away when I talked to them. Nobody wanted to talk even after I returned to the club five or six times over the next couple months. It wasn't until years later that I figured out that they weren't interested in getting to know me. They were looking for playmates for the evening. I went in there to make friends. I was in the wrong place. P, you mentioned that there was a "normal" gay life that went unnoticed. I agree but I postulate that the attitude of some individuals remains the same whether they are partying or dining with friends. Thus, your friend is dealing with the "meat rack" mentality all of the time and he finds it hollow and meaningless. After the club experience I broadened my choice of events to meet gay people. I attended campus gay coalition meetings at the local university. I found an exclusively gay bookstore through a newspaper at the club. I went to gay singles groups, coffees, even self-help groups. Everywhere I went I encountered the same thing. Most of the people were "on the prowl." If they weren't interested in me as a sex partner then I was ignored. One couple went so far as to sneer at me with disgust before I could utter a single word of greeting. Why did they do that? I took great pride in my grooming and my dress, though plain by many standards, was clean and appropriate. I was told many times that I was quite handsome, so I could only guess that the sneer was because I was overweight. What should that have mattered? I went up to them to simply say "HELLO!" We weren't in the clubs but the people were still in that "meat rack" frame of mind. It seemed to be all some of these guys knew. I felt very discouraged. Was this all there was to the gay community? Was this all I had to look forward to? For a long time I had the attitude that all gay men wanted was sex. Not only did I encounter that "meat rack" mentality in just about every aspect of gay life I experienced, eventually I began to judge gay men by that model. P, I suspect your friend is going through a very similar experience. He wants something that the clubs can't provide but the clubs are the only place he knows to go. Worse, many people can't leave their club life in the clubs. They do not seem to know any better. What to do about it? The beginning for me came when I understood that lots of gay folk are clubbing even while doing their laundry. The gay scene was their only role model just as it was for me. The second thing I did was realize that I was doing it as much as they were. Lastly, I redefined what I defined as "gay" to mean more than homo-SEX-ual. I started enjoying normal things. I sought people just to enjoy their company. I went to clubs to enjoy strippers and ogling gorgeous men. I put my priorities in order and I've been much happier for it. Your friend needs to step away from the "gay scene" for a while, learn to enjoy it for what it offers and seek out what he needs with people who will actually satisfy them. The first step begins with him, just as it did with me.
Spurted by Donald Burch @ 24/07/2003 06:05 AM GMT
Hey P It's been a long time since I've sent you a note. Allan and I have been well and living life and the biz is supporting us. ;-) But the reason why I'm writing is to say AMEN to what you wrote with regard to the scene and the need for balance. Balance between going wild and actually living a life with a future in mind. Thanks for saying it.
Luv
Spurted by Nigel @ 24/07/2003 05:43 AM GMT
You seem to identify the scene with what you have in London. There is far more to it than that. I've only been at this a relatively short time but I've only ever really met guys off the net, and occasionally through them their friends. Both my ex and my partner contacted me through Gaydar. Here in the sunny south there is a scene too, though it tends to be mixed rather than just single sex as the market isn't big enough to support both, with the exception of Brighton I believe. Personally I don't get involved in either, though I have many friends in London and can very occasionally be seen in Soho, mainly for coffee on a sunday afternoon. I quite agree though, those you see in the pubs and clubs are just the surface. There are far more of us who don't appear there, just getting on with our lives but in relationships with fellas not women.
Spurted by NickM @ 23/07/2003 11:21 PM GMT
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