Wednesday, July 23, 2003
London Pride – or Mardi Gras as they choose to call it – is this weekend. I’ll offer myself in costume as my contribution to the annual event, and in return I expect a fun time, a gaggle of gorgeous men to look at and much dancing. It’ll be fabulous, because I’ve already decided I’ll be having a good time.
I was chatting to a good friend yesterday about Pride, and he said he was going, but had started to wonder about whether he’d have a good time, “the trouble with the gay men is that they’re all obsessed about getting laid. If they’re not on gaydar looking for a one-night stand, they’re taking drugs and dancing all night.” What struck me as being absurd, was that he didn’t think he was describing the gay scene, he thought he was describing gay men in general. I’d say the former would be incorrect (clearly not all gay men on the scene are only looking for one-night stands or are taking E), but the latter is just nonsense; yet, and here’s what I find amazing, he’s not the only person to think like that.
For years, I’ve been saying that the “gay scene” is the best thing and the worst thing we have. It’s fabulous because it’s there when we need it. When we’re stuck in the closet at home/school/uni or in jobs. It’s there when, quite frankly, we’re feeling horny or when we want to dance or drink…. It’s there, smack bang in the centre of town, providing somewhere we can be ourselves, or be silly, or do whatever we want to do. We can feel like we’re not in a minority for once. It’s fabulous for all those reasons and more.
But it’s also terrible because we can become dependant on it. We can (not that we all do, of course), forget that being gay is just one aspect of our identity. We can forget that there are so many things that are fun or interesting in a city apart from bars and clubs. When we can swap last night’s shag (who was annoying once he’d cum, when I was trying to sleep) for someone new and exciting tonight; we can forget that relationships are built on respect, care and compromise. It’s for some of those reasons, or others, that some people get fed up of the scene all together. But no longer going to the scene doesn’t make them stop being gay. A huge gay “community” exists invisibly. Gay dinner parties, gay friends who’ll meet to go shopping or to the cinema, gay couples who go on holiday. Men who are in 20-year relationships and live together in the hope they’ll grow older together. Gay men who’ve had a small number of consecutive medium-term relationships with people they’ve met at work or in their local super market. All these things exist, but because these masses of people aren’t on the gay scene, somehow some people forget they exist.
I personally believe you do not need to conform if you want to fit-in on the gay scene. But some people clearly do feel pressure to dress well, or get in shape or change umpteen other aspects about themselves which they were perfectly happy about before they started going to Compton Street (or their local equivalent). I think that’s a shame, and makes the scene less diverse and interesting than it could be – but what I think is worse, is hearing people talk as if the alternative to being on the scene is not to exist. I don’t think I’ve ever met a boyfriend in a bar who’s lasted more than 6 months – most of my closest gay friends I’ve met in straight environments – or have been introduced to me. Nearly all gay men have gay friends – so naturally meeting your some of friends’ friends [and possibly even their friends’ friends] for dinner probably offers as much opportunity as a bar ever could. All of this type of thing goes on all the time – it just that we don’t see it happening.
The funny thing is that having just read what I’ve written above, it seems as if I’m anti-scene, which I’m most definitely not. I love the energy of the scene – despite my odd gripe of seven about it, it is diverse, and I nearly always have a good time when I dip in (once a month?) It just brings me back to my first point: it can be the best and the worst thing on offer to us, so I try my best to enjoy as much of the good, and ensure I’ve got enough else going on in my life, not to notice it’s short-comings…. I just wish my friend, who seems so very down right now, would do too – because I think it’d make him a happier person.
Posted by ThatP @ 08:55 PM GMT [Link] [28 comments]
