I only stayed an hour or so, the minimum I guess...If I'd left any earlier, it would have been so rude.

So, after that I went to a party at Chris and sexyJason's place. Chris had told me there was someone he wanted me to meet, who was going to be at the party. I had presumed that it was his new boyfriend, but he actually meant someone he thought I would like. When I got there, I bumped into my ex-boyfriend French-bankerPaul. We talked for a bit, and went to the kitchen, since I didn't have a drink. There was this guy there and I couldn't stop looking at him - he was looking straight back. French-bankerPaul got talking to someone else, and I started talking to another French guy whom I'd met a few weeks before. We were talking in French, and so I told him that I thought that that other guy was good looking. He found this very funny, and couldn't stop laughing...

The other guy left the kitchen, and I said to the French guy that it was a shame that other guy was leaving... When he came back to the kitchen, we got talking, and he seemed really nice.

Later on, we talked again. Later still, we started kissing. We must have kissed for hours. It was so good. I felt really happy. He's called disasterJo, he's a property developer, originally Australian, but lived in Paris and in France for years so speaks fluent French. Aha! That's why the French guy had laughed when I said disasterJo was good looking. The two of them are friends, but when I had said it in French that I liked disasterJo, in front of them both, the French guy couldn't stop laughing. How was I to know that disasterJo could speak French. He's Australian for god's sake! I was so embarrassed when I found out (a few weeks later). Oh well, at least I had said nice things!!

Anyway, we talked (in French) and kissed for hours. I asked him out to dinner (why? I should have let him ask me out... I really do prefer it if the other guy makes the first move. Oh well. I guess it just shows how much of an impression he had created), and asked for his number... He didn't ask me for mine, which was a shame. Actually I was a little peeved that he didn't ask for my number. I hope he was playing it cool, as opposed to not being interested. It does seem as if he likes me though, it just would have been nice if he had asked.

I'm actually really excited about it. He's good looking, he's friendly, speaks French, has a good job, and I'm apparently his type. It's been ages since I've met someone good looking, intelligent and who likes me. I guess australianTom was the last one... But that seems like a long time ago, and he wasn't the settling down type. I'm so pleased... I want to call him now, but I know I have to wait another day. I've got to pretend to be clam, cool and collected. If a guy calls me the day after I've met them, I always think they seem desperate, so I'll have to wait till tomorrow - even if I can't think about anything else!

Hmmm. I just got a call from G. the Frenchman. He really does have a very sexy voice. I now know why I had got my hopes up. I can close my eyes and imagine all sorts of nice things. But no. I've met him now, and it just not going to happen. If only looks didn't matter. I think his voice reminds me of supermanYvo, a guy from Switzerland. supermanYvo also has that very sexy accent. But I know he's not supermanYvo, and he's not good looking, there were lots of silences yesterday when we met. It's funny what effect a voice can have.. almost makes me forget about the reality of it.

disasterJo came along at just the right time. I might have given G a chance otherwise, but it would have been for all the wrong reasons...

I'm so annoyed. I waited till 8pm to call disasterJo. I didn't want to call too early, so waited till now. But he's not in. So I left a message. What an anti-climax. I put on some soft music, put away my study-books, went to lie down on the bed to get all relaxed, and for what? For his stupid answerphone! L It's nearly midnight now, and he's not called. It's going to be too late for him to call now, so I'm going to have to wait till tomorrow. He'd better call!!!

He called!! He called!! Yeaah. It's 11:30 am and he just called. I'm so happy. He got in late last night, so didn't call. We arranged to meet for dinner on Friday. Yippee!! I'm going to go on a date. This is so exciting. It's been ages since I've been on a proper date. Where should I choose to go? What will I wear? Oh, yes yes yes. I knew I'd find someone who wanted to go on a date with me. Ha ha. I knew P could do it. Shit, what I am going to wear? He's a friend of Chris, who doesn't actually know me that well. Chris only sees me when I'm out, and was present when I kissed that girl Karin. Oh, so was another french guy (forgotten his name) who is friends with disasterJo. So if disasterJo isn't stupid, he'll have asked them about me. Chances are they've told him I'll kiss anything that moves. I'm going to have to work hard to make sure he knows that I can be serious. I know I've not been a saint, but deep down I really am the settling down type. The only reason I've been bad is to try to make me forget how alone I am (wasn't very successful though). I'll wear black clothes. I think I look damn sexy in my new black trousers - whilst looking serious: perfect!

He seemed so keen on the phone. He didn't bother about wanting to seem "calm and collected" at all. I love that. He wanted to see me sooner, but I don't usually go out during the week. This is my first week back at uni, and I've got loads of work... Fab! I am a happyP today. But I've got to go now, I've got to go to uni, but I just wanted to write a line about how happy I am!

On Friday I had my first date with disasterJo. All week I was thinking about it. I felt very hyped up before going. A little nervous, very excited. I don't have classes on Fridays, so I had LOADS of time to get ready. It's amazing how much time I can take to get ready. I spent nearly half an hour just plucking my eye brows. That's so absurd, but mind you, my eye brows looked perfect. Not too thin, but perfectly shaped. God I can be so vain. Well, why not? I know looks do count, and this guy seems great, so it's worth making the effort.

I put on the clothes I had planned to wear, but for one reason or another I looked awful. Fat and pale. How did that happen?? I'd even put them on during the week to check they looked good, and they did, but suddenly they didn't. Luckily it didn't take tooo long for me to find a better shirt. It wasn't black though, but I did look good.

When I arrived at the restaurant he was already there. Well, that's not that surprising since I was 10 minutes late. Which was lucky because I had planned to arrive 10 min late, but got held up, and so was worried I'd be much later..

He had lots of gel in his hair, and had obviously gone to a lot of effort when getting ready. I was really pleased to notice that. Very smoothly shaved, all the clothes were just right. Yes, he was trying to create a good impression too. His choice of restaurant was good too. Modern setting, good food, quiet enough to talk. Yes. It really was a perfect first date. He's had an amazing life, has done so much. He mentioned so many places he'd lived. It makes such a difference when people have travelled. He didn't drink which I found a little off putting, because I find a glass of wine helps to relax, but he was so easy to listen to. I didn't feel like I talked enough, but he didn't seem bored, and I certainly wasn't.

We went to meet a friend of his afterwards, but didn't meet him in the end. disasterJo called him, and it turned out it was because he was busy shagging. I found that so funny. I couldn't really believe disasterJo told me that. He's so open. I find that such an important quality.

At the end, there was that difficult question of what to do. I really wanted to talk to him so more, but didn't want to sleep with him just yet. So in the end, we went to his place to talk some more, but I got a cab back to come home afterwards. Things are going really well, and I don't want to rush the first stage.

What was really unusual was that I agreed to see him the next day. I was very surprised by that. I normally see guys once a week. Certainly at the beginning. But I didn't want to wait to see him again. I couldn't wait to see him again. I'm so excited by the whole thing. He's great. I have waited so long to meet someone right, and finally I have.

We met and went to meet some of his friends, including that friend of his who had been "busy" the day before... There were lots of people which I found a little difficult. I get all shy when there are lots of new people to meet - even more so when I'm trying to make a good impression because I want to date one of their friends. But the evening went well. They were quite a friendly bunch.

This time, when I went back to disasterJo's place, he convinced me to stay the night. I didn't want to sleep with him yet. But he said "just to sleep", and it showed he meant it. I don't think it's a good idea to have sex too early on if you want to have a relationship, but I felt comfortable with him. And indeed, we did just sleep. Well there was plenty of hugging and kissing but it went no further.

We got up quite late on Sunday and went to meet some more of his friends for brunch near where he lived. I can't believe I've met so many of his friends already. I guess that means he really likes me. I normally wait a least a couple of weeks before introducing a new boyfriend to my friends. I wonder if he realises that it's quite a big deal meeting his friends. All his friends know each other. disasterJo always says "everyone does X", or "everyone went to X", meaning his group of friends did X, or when to X. It seems to be a really close group of people. He talked a lot about them, so I know how much they mean to him. At the brunch there was this guy called Simon. to disasterJo had talked lots about him before we went - so I really hoped we'd get on. But things didn't get off to a good start. I made a complete fool of myself the moment we met. The thing is, just as we were arriving, to disasterJo & I had been talking about Scott, his friend we'd met the night before. Naturally we stopped our conversation as we met the people for brunch. Simon said hi to me and said "you must be P." to which I said "yes, you must be Scott". Why did I say that? I'm such a fool. I knew he was Simon! Here was to disasterJo's best friend, and I went and called him the wrong name. Here was I thinking how I wanted to make a good impression, but instead I must have looked like such a fool. Oh well. bimboP it is!

Worse, I hardly got to talk to Simon at all, which was a shame because he did seem to be a nice guy. I hope I'll get to at least say more than "hello" next time I meet him. Actually I'm making it sound worse than it is. The brunch was fun, and I got on with the people I did talk to. Amazingly I met a lady who studies at the same college as me, which was great. It made easy conversation, and we organised to meet up for a coffee at college during the week. Simon was really sweet and invited to disasterJo & I for dinner at his place. I'm really impressed by the way he did that. I'd just met him, got his name wrong, and hardly talked to him, and yet he invited me for dinner. Wow. It was as if he was on a charm offensive. I like him already. It's funny to think, but I was so nervous as we walked to brunch, but suddenly I'd been invited to dinner by to disasterJo's best friend, and had organised to have coffee with one of the other people there. What had I been worried about? God, if only life was always this easy!

I've just remembered, Simon also made a little booboo. He said he knew that I was studying Japanese, and asked if it was Cantonese or Mandarin that I was learning. Ha! The moment he said it, it looked as if he realised the mistake he'd made - so I guess we both felt pretty much the same. One stupid comment each. Phew.

After that, I went home to study.. I did about 6 hours, which is not enough for a Sunday. It's midnight now, so there's no way I'm going to get any more done. And to think Sunday's are normally my most productive day. Oh well. At least it was because I had a great day, rather than because I over slept or something... Anyway, that's enough for now.... I can go to bed a happyP.

Chris, Emmanuel and I all went to to disasterJo's to watch a movie, and have some dinner. It was a last minute decision to go. I got a call on my mobile as I was leaving university. I had planned to go home and have a boring study session but instead I decided to let myself me tempted. I'm so glad I did. I do like being with disasterJo. Plus I got to see Chris again. I don't know why I don't see him more often. He's such fun.

Wednesday was the day disasterJo & I went to Simon's house for dinner. I was a little nervous again. I'd only met Simon (who is disasterJo's best friend) once, and not managed to talk to him.. But there had been no reason to worry. He really made me feel at home, and cooked a lovely meal. His place is nice, and he's just so nice. It's so rare to meet such openly genuine kind people. Living in the city can so easily make you cold and indifferent, so it's always nice to meet people like him. I'm so glad I like disasterJo's friends. It's so important isn't it?! There were some other friends there too. There was this was guy called Chip (spell?), who seems to have a great job, and is also kind... I was a bit overwhelmed but the group. I can see why disasterJo is always talking about them. They are all obviously very clever, kind, and successful. I have such a good feeling about being with disasterJo. I want to be with him, and I like his group of friends. I hope he likes my friends as much as I like his.

I'm annoyed at disasterJo. I don't know if this is going to become a problem, or if it's just an annoyance that will pass.... I went to see him yesterday, we had dinner with a whole group of his friends - most of whom I'd already met at the dinner on Wednesday. They're a really friendly bunch, and seem to make an effort to be nice to me. Nearly all of them said how nice I looked, commenting either on my new hair cut or my clothes - or both. That was great, and I had a great evening. We went to this great restaurant, and I really enjoyed it. Actually it was a strange how many compliments his friends told me. I was a little embarrassed by it all. Funny though, it made me realise that disasterJo has yet to tell me any compliments at all. It's strange how some people just come straight out with them, and how others just don't say any at all. disasterJo's almost British in that respect. Anyway, it was another expensive meal, and I just don't have the money to be spending on meals like that this often. I'm seriously going to have to rethink my budget. Simon, one of his friends, offered to pay for me. How sweet is that! I've met him twice and he offered to pay. Obviously I couldn't accept, but I thought it was a very kind of him to offer. disasterJo gave me a funny look when I said no to the offer. I didn't understand the look. It could have been a look saying he thought it strange that Simon offered, or surprise that I didn't accept, or even embarrassment that disasterJo hadn't offered to pay himself. I suddenly didn't know what to do. But since I didn't know Simon well enough to let him pay, and disasterJo didn't offer, there really only was one thing to do

I fall into the category of people he said he would never date again: I'm a student. He told me that yesterday, and we both laughed, but he didn't need to tell me. It's quite obvious that we have very different budgets. I don't expect him to pay, but I can't afford to go eat out in expensive restaurants every month, let alone every week. The two meals I've had to pay for have used up all my month's allowance. I wonder if he's the type to go to cheaper restaurants? Well, either we do, or maybe I should just not go out for meals with him, and meet him afterwards. Besides it can be nice just to stay in and eat.... Hmm. Anyway, I can see I'm digressing. This has nothing to do at all with what I'm annoyed at.

I'm annoyed about an issue that has crept up, that he's not letting me talk about. disasterJo, has been blessed by nature in the male department (I'm talking size here.). He's also active (that means TOP, for you guys in the US). I'm not usually either active, or passive, but if I have to be one of the two, I'd be passive. It has been a long time since I've engaged in that sort of thing.... To be blunt, I haven't been fucked since November 1996. Shit, has it really been that long? Yes I guess so. Let me check. God, I was right. Well, it's not normally my favourite thing, but I kind of like the idea from time to time... But it seems very important to disasterJo. For me, I'm worried that I won't be able to "take" him, especially at first at any rate. I mean, it hurts at the best of times, but he's just so big that I find the thought quite scary. I wanted to run this concern by him, to find out how important it is to him. Whether it's just something he likes, or if it's an essential part of sex for him. He asked me why I was asking, and so I told him that it was because it wasn't something I usually did, and was worried about being "out of practice" etc. I guess what I wanted to hear was that he really liked it, but that if I didn't want to do it, or that it didn't work, that it wouldn't be a problem. Or that since it wasn't something he always did the first time he slept with someone. But all he said was that we'd cross that bridge when we got there, and then said (this is the bit that really got to me), "you shouldn't worry your pretty little head about it". I asked him a very direct question, and I clearly wanted to talk about it, or at least hear something reassuring. He didn't say how important it is to him. I think it makes it clear that it is essential for him, and I feel quite pressurised.

I've just realised that I haven't put this in context. Let me start at the beginning. I find that he wasn't very considerate in bed at all; in fact I found him rather selfish. He seemed quite happy to let me do things to him, whilst he just lay there. But didn't give much back in return. He didn't seem interested in me at all. He wouldn't go in the positions I wanted him to go in (despite more than obvious hints), but after I'd been in a position he'd put me in for a while, and wanted to move, he'd say "where are you going?". So I'd stay there a some more, but (naturally?) after a while I'd want to change positions, and he still wouldn't want me to move.. It has to be a fairer balance than that as far as I'm concerned. He didn't really seem to make any effort at all, or be considerate as to what I wanted, yet I found him very demanding when it came to what he wanted. I'm not saying that I want him to ask what I want, or that he should only do what I want, but he only seemed to think of himself. The only time he gave me any attention, or seemed willing to do anything, was if he was in a position to fuck me. Then he would find the energy to do something. And was all willing. But I just don't like doing that straight away. I need to feel more relaxed, to have enjoyed something else first. It was as if he wanted to go from kissing to fucking me. Well, I'm not interested in that. So that's why it was important for me to discuss it or have some reassurance that he didn't want to do that straight away. But it's more than obvious that that's exactly what he wants to do. And without talking about it, I won't be able to relax. Right now, I just don't want to have sex with him again. I feel no urge at all to go to bed with him. If only we could talk about it. To add a little salt into the wound, when we were there lying in bed, he told me I needed to go to the gym. I felt so pathetic at the time. Now I know he was just rude, but my self-esteem took one big knock.

To make things worse, for one reason or another, he couldn't come. I think I'm fairly cool about that sort of thing usually, but since I'd not really enjoyed the rest of it, it just made things worse.

I'd made it clear yesterday that I would have to leave early-ish this morning since I had lots to do. I had to study, and I've been moving so have lots of things to organise for that. When we woke up at 11am, I wanted to go home to make a start on what I had to do, but thought it would be nicer if I stayed a little longer and enjoyed relaxing with him for a bit. So I stayed, then at 1pm I thought I should really make a move, and said I'd better get up and go. But he said he wanted me to stay, and wouldn't really take no for an answer (and I did make it more than clear that I should go). Of course I could have insisted longer, and just got up and gone, but he started kissing me, and hugging me, and it would have felt all wrong to push him away and say no. I'd not enjoyed the sex, so if I'd have left on a cold/bad note, then it wouldn't be good. So I stayed, until 3pm.

Had I enjoyed my time with him more, I might be more forgiving, but at the end of the day, A) he's not being considerate about my budget, B) he's not considerate in bed, C) He not prepared to talk about my concerns about sex, and D) He's not considerate about me having to study, and makes me feel really bad about having to go.

I think these are quite serious issues. I'm not sure how serious. The budget thing can be sorted out. Either we go somewhere cheaper, he pays or I don't go with him when he goes out to expensive places. The bed thing might be worked out next time around. I know I've been complaining loads right now, but in truth I know it's not always perfect the first time you sleep with someone (although usually at least a little communication is needed for it to improve). As for study-time, well I'm going to have to be firmer with him..

I'm quite disappointed, because I thought things were going to be really good. It's something I often do, when I meet someone: I get all excited, tell all my friends, and imagine that we'll end up living together, but then reality comes around, and I'm all disappointed.

I do realise though, that if I want a relationship to work, I have to make an effort. It's not easy to find someone where everything will be perfect from word Go, you have to work at things. But I need to be able to talk to him about it, and so far the signs are not good. I'm not thinking of ending things with him, but there needs to be an improvement on many fronts. (I'm going to have to cancel seeing him on Tuesday so I can get the work done that I should have done today), so we can try sex again, then if it still doesn't work, I'll try to talk to him about it again. If it doesn't work after a few more times, and he won't talk about it, then that'll have to be it.

Actually, thinking about it. I realise that him not wanting to go out with students is a problem. It just shows how he wants to do what he wants, and doesn't like having to compromise. Maybe I'm wrong about that. No I'm not. If you like someone, what difference does it make if you go somewhere expensive, or less expensive. You're supposed to enjoy being with them. If he normally wouldn't go out with someone because he can't go to expensive restaurants, I think that's really bad. I know I complain in my diary about not having much money, but I can still afford to go to nice places, just not the most expensive ones. It's not as if I was saying "let's go to get a sandwich." Agh, I'm so annoyed at him right now.

If I'm being honest, I think it only has a 30% chance of success, 70% chance of failure. If we can talk about these issues, then that will probably be reversed to a 70% chance of success. I really am going to have to manage to make him talk openly. In fact, that has become my only goal. I want this to work. I think we have something special. Fuck it, it must be worth any amount of effort. I haven't met someone like disasterJo in ages, I will make him talk, to make sure it works.

I've come back from university. Tuesdays are quite tough. I have 4 hours of classes without a break. I started off with a tutorial on development economics, then had 2 hours of Japanese newspaper readings which was taken by a new sensei who seemed very enthusiastic(!). That was immediately followed by a seminar on the flexibility of Japanese manufacturing (due to high R&D spending), compared to the US (which has a high level of spending on R&D only in defence). Needless to say that my concentration was waning by the end of the day...

Anyway, I was just relaxing after the day when disasterJo called. I was really pleased to hear his voice. He seemed to have a quite day, so was full of energy. I was tired and couldn't face studying. He suggested I go to the gym, but by the time I'd had dinner it was too late - which is true, but also a convenient excuse since I really didn't feel like getting of my backside and walking outside in the cold (v. cold today!). Aside of his suggestion, I was really pleased he called. If I had had any doubts yesterday about him, they're gone now. Definitely want things to work, so I'm going to see him tomorrow. Sure when we made love last time, it wasn't perfect, but then sometimes it doesn't work the first time. I just don't have a problem with that at all. Might not even need to talk about it, it might just work out anyway. If it doesn't then I'm sure we'll talk and sort it out. :-) P is a happyP again.

I need to get this off my chest right now. I feel bad. I'm down, and sad. All day I've had this tight feeling in my chest. I just want to hug someone and forget how to think. I have this strange combination of feelings of anger, disappointment and confusion. I feel betrayed. disasterJo got a friend to find my web page - after I let it slip that I had one. He'd asked me to give him the address, but I said I didn't want to give him the address because its contents were too personal. I hate saying no to people, so I explained that it was my diary and that I didn't want him to read it, for all sorts of reasons, but basically because it was very personal and I didn't want him to know everything I was thinking inside my head. It's so much better to talk about things. If communication works, then there would be no need for him to read it. In fact, it would be boring. The last thing I want is for him to be able to rely on reading it rather than talking to me - how would I then know how he's feeling? He (and his friend) have read all of my (THIS!) diary section. I just can't believe he did that. I went to see him last night, and he told me once we were in bed. We were there lying in the dark and he told me he had something to say. He said he got a friend to find the page, and that they'd read it. I half wonder if I'm just being a drama queen. But at the time it was like a nightmare unfolding around me. He didn't apologise. At all. Not once. Instead he justified it by saying it was human nature. I felt so empty. How could he just go an justify it away so easily. He even sounded surprised that I wasn't pleased. His tone of voice was "you should know better". He told me how easy it was to find my web page - as if that was relevant, I know it's easy to find. I just can't believe he tried to find it, after I EXPLAINED it to him.

I have lost my trust in him. I don't know if I can ever trust him again. What I write here, (this is my diary for fuck's sake!!) is personal. It's all my innermost thoughts, as I think them. I say things, and sometimes as soon as the next day, wonder how I could have thought such a thing. That's what the human mind is like. Silly irrational thoughts enter your mind, and leave it again soon or immediately afterwards. If I'm in front of my keyboard when I have such a feeling, it gets written down. He's read all of that. What do I care if some complete stranger reads this? In fact, the feedback I get gives me a new angle to look at myself. That's really useful. People who don't know me, can't use the information. It's like reading a magazine or watching a fly on the wall program. But him, I'm dating him. If he wants to know what I'm thinking, he should ask. I should have to right to choose to tell him or not. But he decided to just take to right to know. He has no right to read it. Even if it's there. If it had been a diary written in a notebook, would he have read it? I just don't know now. It's not as if he fell across it. He asked his friend to find it. After I specifically told him I didn't want him to read it. I even gave him a brief explanation as to why. If he wasn't happy at the reason, he should have talked to me about it, not gone behind my back. If he's annoyed me but I want him to realise why, I should be able to do that, without him reading it. Conversely, if I like something he does, I don't want him to know exactly why every single time. Sometimes you like something precisely because it's something they do naturally, without even realising they do it. I love that. But if they become aware of that, then they are conscious of it when they do it, and the naturalness of it (perhaps its best quality) is gone forever.

He justifies it away by saying he didn't know how personal it was going to be. Not that that stopped him reading it when he did realise. He read all of it. Right up to the end. He read about the optician incident. I had such a problem dealing with hearing him quote bits of it back at me. He says it hasn't changed what he thinks of me. What a thing to say! It's not changed the way he thinks of me?! Well it's changed what I think of him! Obviously the optician incident hadn't come up in conversation. He read things that he wouldn't otherwise have known. I only met him 2 and a half weeks ago, and now he knows every little detail about the past 3 months of my life.

There are a couple of issues here. One is about the content he read. I would have wanted him to hear it form me, not read it behind my back. Another is the abuse of trust, and the third is how it affects me writing this. Am I to stop my web-diary? Why should I have to? It's my life I'm writing about. It's my hobby. (actually it's pretty much my only hobby at the moment. Sure I go out and see friends, but that's socialising, that's not a hobby.) But his best friend reads this! How can I ever criticise disasterJo on the net, and have his friends read it. Obviously if I decide to keep writing this, then knowing that he and his friends are reading it, will affect what I write. If it's not honest, there's no point in me writing it.

It's not as if we've known each other for long, and he had gained my trust over time. I barely know him, and already I don't think I'll ever trust him. What if he comes here, and I need to got to the bathroom. What will he do? Go through my draws? Maybe not, but I don't think I'd feel comfortable with him here, if I had to pop out to the shops. He'd go through my draws, read my bank statements and justify it to himself as human nature. No, I find it inconceivable that I'd trust him. And without trust, there can be no relationship.

He even asked me not take out bits of last week's update. (Last week's hasn't been published yet), because he doesn't want his friends to read my thoughts about him. Well disasterJo, you should have thought of that before you told your friends about it. I did tell him it was my diary. I'm so upset with him. I feel all alone again. I just got home, and there was a message from him. I was annoyed to hear his voice. I know I'm angry right now, and tomorrow I might have calmed down. Last night, after he told me, I couldn't sleep. It felt as if I didn't sleep for most of the night. Round and round my head it went. Most of today I wanted to be held, to cry in my friends' arms. But I couldn't I had a jam packed day. I had to give a presentation in economics, then I had a tutorial on a difficult Japanese text, and then a lecture on development economics. I found it so difficult to concentrate, I was full of emotions and just wanted to be able to let go of them. I didn't want to have to think, but I couldn't stop myself from thinking about it, and getting upset.

I don't know what to do from here. I'm not going to make any decisions now, I'm just writing down my emotions. I can't face seeing him again. It would appear he and his friend read it twice. disasterJo said his friend thought I was a freak for having such an open diary. Well that makes me eager to meet his friends again. NOT! I might have done the same in his situation.

I can't think of a single reason to see disasterJo again. He never takes my needs into account. He resists meeting my friends. His friends are all lovely, but I don't want them to replace my friends. There has to be space for my friends too. But he makes no allowance for that. Just keeps organising me to see his friends. It's as if he wants me to abandon my life and give myself to him. He'd say it's not true, but that's the effect his actions have on me. If he thought about it, he'd say he would like to meet my friends (well, at least that's what I hope), but when he thinks, he doesn't think about that. He thinks about him & his friends. My life, and my friends don't come into the thought process.

Whilst I was there listening to him, I was lying next to him as my eyes released a few tears. He doesn't even know that. Some are bound to tell me I'm over reacting. But I thought we had something special going. I thought this was going to grow and last. Now I ask myself if I can trust him. Some things were wrong - I was prepared to work on them. What's the point. I can't find the energy or enthusiasm now. I feel betrayed. I don't think he made a good job of saying sorry. Actually he didn't even say he was sorry at all. At one point I saw the funny side: he read how crazy I am. He read how frustrated I've been at life. How hopeless I am at meeting people I like. It does have a funny side. But can I ever forget about it. Ever forgive him. Maybe it is normal. He was curious - and ended up by getting more than he bargained for. Maybe the only dilemma is what to do about future diaries. (This one included!!!). Well, as I write this, I'm having to tell myself that it will never be published. If I didn't think that, then I wouldn't be able to write this.

All my barriers have gone up. That's the trouble when you let someone in close. It makes you vulnerable. Trust is a funny thing. I hate to say this, but again he's shown a lack of consideration for me. 4 times this week. I had gone to his place hoping to relax, make love and then talk about us. Boy did things turn out differently.

PUSSY!!! My computer just crashed. And I don't know how much of this I lost.... I have the feeling I carried on ranting for a while longer. Saying that when I thought of him, I felt bad. Anyway, it doesn't matter. I needed to have a moan and I did. If some of the record has been lost, so be it. I write this for me, it's therapeutic, lost or not, it served it's purpose.

I now realise that I'm a pussy. I spoke to Andy, and he said that it is sort of understandable that disasterJo read it. I didn't agree. My mother also said that since it was out on the net, she could see why he wouldn't find it difficult to justify reading it.. Hmm. I still didn't agree. (and yes, I do know that I'm stubborn). He has shown no remorse for what he did. But I've since thought about it, but more importantly talked to disasterJo. We had to go through the silly small talk, and then he asked how I was. I told him. I said I was still annoyed and disappointed with him. I had come to sort of understand why he read it. But that didn't change how I felt. I knew why he read it, but that doesn't suddenly make it all alright. I wasn't happy, and I gave disasterJo a really hard time. I wouldn't like to have been on the receiving end. But it was what I was thinking, and it needed to be said. I put a high priority on communication and so needed to tell him. I also needed him to prove his commitment. Some could say that by telling me that he had read it, despite knowing that I might never forgive him (his words), he had proved, or at least showed his commitment. But I needed more. I felt very insecure and vulnerable. It was a very difficult discussion. I brought up some of the other issues that I've had: about him never coming here - (apparently I've never invited him. Point taken, but he does have a tendency to organise the weekend in advance). About my friends - again, same reason, I've not organised anything. Hmmm. Anyway, that's not the point. We were able to talk about the problems, and try to fix them. That's not an easy thing to do.

Best of all he said "I'm so sorry". I really would have needed to hear that yesterday. But better late than never.

But he managed to convince me that he is committed. He cares, he's prepared to make an effort. Deep down, the only reason why I got worked up (as opposed to simply walking away), was because I DO think we've got something special. I care. I care a lot. I care a lot about him. I'd be mad to walk away. I'd make myself sad if I were to do that.

He's coming over here tomorrow. Which is great.. But it's also crazy, 'cause my place isn't finished. I've never used my (ancient) cooker, the dining room's not ready at all. Actually it's a dump. There's no free floor space. But that's not the point. In a way, I'm glad that I can share the "before and after" of that room with him. I only moved here this week. He said he'd drive to the moon and back for me. It sounded as if he meant it. In which case, I have been harsh to criticise him for not coming here to see me.

So what I was saying is that I think this has (is?) making us stronger.. The only issue left, is how can I publish this and stay honest. Well, in a way, I believe I do live an honest and transparent (that does NOT mean I'm shallow though. Does it?) life. And despite the optician incident, I don't have anything to hide. Sure maybe I wouldn't have told him, but it happened and for some silly reason - maybe I was being stupid and thinking I'd never ever meet anyone serious - I got really upset about it. I knew, and know that that's not what I want from my life. We all make mistakes. I certainly do; I don't pretend to be perfect. I got upset, but about something else. The optician was what made me remember how alone I was feeling, and how I couldn't see a way out of that. It made me remember how I had no-one to love. So I made a mistake. Big deal. I'm not ashamed of that. Far from it. I'm almost proud that I can talk about my mistakes. I don't hide from my past, I don't have anything to hide either. So he read it. His friends read it too. I can cope with what they read.

Continuing to write & publish future diary entries might be more difficult. Being aware that they will be read (His best friend has already said he "can't promise to stop reading it" to him) makes it next to impossible to continue publishing future diary updates.

I saw disasterJo & Simon (his best friend) yesterday for dinner. The atmosphere was a little unnatural and forced, but it got better as the evening progressed. I found it really difficult to relax at first, but time (and the wine) helped.

I suppose after a big argument it takes a little time for things to get ironed out. We were in Soho for dinner, and I had lots of study to do today, so I had said I'd have to go home after dinner. Besides it would be nice to enjoy seeing each other a bit more, and leave the bad feelings behind before we sleep with one another again. Anyway, I only live 20 mins up the road from where we were, and I had thought that disasterJo would offer to drive me home, but there was no such forthcoming offer. We were standing outside talking, and saying that I had to go. It was cold and the last tube train home might have already gone.. I was surprised that he didn't offer, but figured he might have been thinking about something else.. Then Simon told disasterJo he should offer to drive me home - but disasterJo just stood there and said nothing. Why should it be Simon to suggest it, shouldn't disasterJo have suggested it?? It's just like at the meal. Simon thinks of offering to pay, but disasterJo doesn't. What's going on?? Why doesn't disasterJo ever offer things? After even more silence, Simon suggested it again. I can't believe disasterJo had the nerve not to agree. We'd just had a nice meal out, and he's supposed to be asking for forgiveness but he just stood there. I was so embarrassed. I couldn't face the ever lasting silence, and said I could take the tube home, hoping that disasterJo would say "no, no, that's OK" but he said nothing. So I walked away to the station. Looking at my watch and realising that I would probably miss the last train. As soon as I'd turned the corner I had to start running. I got to the station and the board at the entrance showed the last train would leave in a minute. I ran some more, down the stairs, along the endless corridors and made it to the platform and got the train. The last train was there waiting. I jumped on, and the doors closed behind me. If I hadn't pushed myself so hard, I would have missed it. I was so out of breath, I could hardly breath. I tried to get my breath back but couldn't. I was having an asthma attack, and I didn't have my inhaler. I thought I was going to die. I tired to take deep breaths but couldn't. I was so scared that I started to cry. I fell to the floor not being able to breath with tears all down my face. The reaction from the fellow passengers was amazing. So many people crowed round, asking if I was OK. But it just made it harder to breath.. I closed my eyes and tried to stay calm. Eventually I managed to get a few small breaths which helped no end. The alarm had been pushed and the station people came to me when we got to the next stop. For all the help it did. I needed my inhaler and they didn't have a clue as to what was wrong. Eventually I managed to breath normally again, explained and said sorry. They took some convincing that I'd be OK, but eventually the train continued. But I was still alive. I was shaking all the way home and vowed never to leave home again without my asthma drugs. What a way to end an evening after a nice meal.

I'd like to welcome all of you who have just moved across from my old site. (For those of you who don't know, I used to have a site which was next to identical to this one, but which I had to stop because too many of my close friends and family were reading it. THIS site is at a slightly different address, with different searchable words, so I should be able to keep it from them. It really isn't possible to be honest when you know your boyfriend is reading your diary, hence the move. Anyway, enough of that. If you want to read the closing diary entry of my last site, click here..). I emailed my regular readers (who don't actually know me in person) with this new address. To those readers, thank you for following me here.

I went over to disasterJo's tonight. He had called me a few times this week. I didn't feel like seeing him, but figured that I should. It's strange I don't feel enthusiastic to see him anymore. It's starting to feel like an obligation rather than something I actually want to do. But his computer doesn't work, and I said I'd give him a hand... Last week he got a friend to find my web page.. Since then, we've had many arguments about it... Many of you have written to say they understand. One person said he understood disasterJo. I do accept that by publishing this online, I can't choose who reads it.. Anyway, what I wanted to say was that he now thinks I'm a computer guru - which of I'm not (of course!).... I went over and fixed it for him. It took ages. I don't know what he did to the poor thing, but it was in such a mess. He never used to "shutdown" windows, but just turn the machine off by turning off the power to it. He's so stupid. (well, I say that because he's still in my bad books). It took ages to fix. The registry was all messed up, and to get it all working again did take forever. (I'm talking hours and hours here). He went to bed and fell asleep before I had finished. Considering that he'd begged me to do it, I did expect him at least to stay and chat to me... but no. He was "too tired".. What a lazy git. I went to bed next to him. He woke up, said "is it fixed now?", to which I said yes. All the fucker had to say for himself was "ok. Thanks. See you in the morning.". How very romantic. Thanks disasterJo. I don't mind not having sex, but a little hug would have been nice.

I was supposed to see disasterJo tonight, but I cancelled because I just couldn't be bothered to see him again. I've been seeing him on all my days off, today I just wanted to be home and have some time for me. I felt a little guilty, but very happy to do little things for me (tidy my room, have a long bath...) I realise I like having time for me at home. I seem to go out so much that it's starting to feel like I'm going out too much.

I've just got back from disasterJo's place. I went to see him last night. We went out for dinner with MY friends. I was so pleased. We normally go out with his friends. They are nice, but I was getting seriously fed up with never going out with my friends.. I bullied disasterJo into going out with my friends. Well, I didn't really bully him; I just wouldn't take no for an answer. We went to a nice little Indonesian restaurant with Stuart (a gorgeous straight friend of mine) and Gianna (one of my very best friends). I'd not been to an Indonesian restaurant since the New Year's Eve. (I'm not sure I needed to put capital letters for that - but it looked wrong with small letters). Anyway, disasterJo hardly said a single word. I always think that when a boyfriend meets your friends, it is a "crunch" time. And he was as boring as hell. He didn't even try to be nice. He was so moody. He's 32 for god's sake. I'm 22, Gianna is 21, and Stuart is 28. So disasterJo was the oldest, but wasn't so much older... I'd like to make it clear, he wasn't quiet because he was shy: he isn't at all. He just didn't want to be there, and couldn't be bothered to make an effort.

On the way back, I asked if he was OK. He just said: " yeah I'm fine [pause] you've seen your friends now, happy?" He said it is such a horrid tone. I've made so much effort every time I've met his friends. I can't believe his reaction. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel so worthless every time I meet him. I make an effort, try to do things he likes, make sure I'm nice to his friends, make sure that they like me. And he just doesn't make any effort at all. None. What am I doing wrong?

We got to his place - his brother is staying there. disasterJo was obviously annoyed that his brother was there. He was in a filthy mood. We went to his bedroom, and he got changed... I just stood there, waiting for a sign that he actually wanted me there. I didn't want to be there at all. I felt so weak. I wanted to go home. I don't like it when people are in a bad mood. I had tried to calm him down. I hadn't complained at all at his behaviour, I'd said all the right things, but he wanted to have a strop. So, there I was, waiting for some warmth to come from him. But none came. He just got into bed, and snapped "aren't you coming into bed, or are you just going to stand there looking stupid". I can't believe it, but I actually said sorry and got undressed and into bed. What is it in me that makes me always say sorry?

After a few minutes he wanted to have sex. I was NOT in the mood. I didn't even really want to be there. I didn't make any moves back... After a while he lifted me up (I normally love being lifted up, and it was the first time he'd done it. But I was feeling more and more tense), and made me stand up out of bed. I was freezing (it's zero degrees outside - just to put it in context for all you Californian beach bums), and he didn't have the heating on (what is the point in having as much money as he has, and not using the damn central heating?). Anyway, you know what it's like when you're just not in the mood. I was fed up of making an effort to be nice and pretend that everything was ok. So I didn't pretend... besides I didn't have a hard on, so it was very obvious. (really hope mother-dearest doesn't find my new site). Anyway, so there I was standing in the freezing cold of his bedroom, naked, with a soft dick. disasterJo on the other hand had in the minutes interval managed to forget all about his stress and was "up for it". In both senses of the term. He decided to give me a blow job. No kissing first, no hugging either. Call me old-fashioned (or a boring fart), but I wanted at least a little more intimacy first. I needed to relax, and be happy to be with him before I wanted to go any further. So I gently pulled away. I was hoping to take a step back, and do the stages I felt we'd missed out - but he didn't like that, and went back to bed to go to sleep. I felt so rejected, so unwanted and unloved. Is sex all he wants? Doesn't he want to be gentle and caring with me first? Well, obviously not.

When I woke up today, he wasn't even in bed. After waiting for a while, I realised he wasn't coming back, so I got up. He was having a bath, so I wanted CNN international for a bit. All that's on the news is the Clinton trial. It's so boring. disasterJo doesn't even have MTV, so I ended up watching something dull on BBC. I had planned to spend the whole day with disasterJo, but decided not to. I didn't want to be with him anymore. In fact, now that I'm home I know I don't want to see him again. I don't like being with him, I feel awful when I'm with him. We are totally unsuited to one another. He's the most negative thing in my life, and so he has to go. It's not a question of if, it's a question of when. It will be this week, when I next see him. Besides, it seems as if he's tired of me too.

disasterJo called me today on my mobile. I was at university and was just about to go to the library. He said he wanted to see me, and although I really didn't want to, I agreed - figuring that since I had decided to stop going out with him, it was best to get it over and done with... Actually, it turned out he was meeting a friend at the Box, which is a gay cafe near to my university, and he had arrived early so he wanted to meet me before his friend arrived. He only really told me that, once I had already agreed to meet him, and I didn't like the way he put it. So instead of meeting him at 5, I said I could be there at 7. I was already annoyed at him, I didn't want to go out with him anymore, and he made me feel as if he only wanted to see me because he had time to kill. Right or wrong, I was annoyed, so not only did I make him agree to see me much later than he wanted, but I also intentionally arrived 20 minutes late. He looked so bored when I arrived, and I felt a twang of guilt - but I got over it! Anyway, he looked awful, which must have been because he was bored or because he wasn't happy to see me. I felt it was both, I was probably wrong, he was probably just bored.

So I arrived, saying sorry (which I didn't mean, but felt I had to say) for being late. I said I had real trouble finding a book in the library which I really needed, pulling out a book which I bought last week, showing it to him, as if it were proof that I was telling the truth. He (naturally) believed me. My intentions were bad. I have felt awful since I've been with him. He made no effort to get on with my friends over the weekend, and has generally made no effort at all ever. I didn't feel like I had the energy to make an effort, so I didn't bother.

We had a pathetic conversation about what we'd done yesterday and today. He said he was disappointed that I'd not called on Sunday evening or Monday. I felt the same way, I felt totally unwanted on Saturday. I feel as if he wants me, to be there for him. He doesn't seem to care about what I want at all. I felt very strongly that it should be him to call. So I told him as much, saying that I hadn't called because I had wanted him to call.

We had a very long and difficult conversation. He said he wanted some answers. That he had been blaming himself, and wanted some reassurance. It was so fake the way he said it. It is so easy to see through him. He knows what to say. He said it, so that I would say "no, no, it's not you. It's me" but I wasn't about to say that. The situation was all wrong, and if anyone is to blame (although I think it's pointless, and perhaps even incorrect to assign blame), it is him. Many times he said I was fragile and too sensitive. He said that I came across as a self-confident person, but that in fact I wasn't and that I knew I wasn't. He said it in such an accusative way. I felt he was kind of right, but at the same time I feel it's only with him that I'm not confident. I feel like he's run me into the ground. It's strange, but after every time I have seen disasterJo, I feel like I've been run-over by a heavy truck. I feel empty and useless. To some degree he's right, I do work a lot on my image. I have known people who haven't been confident, and have let it show. I would attribute a lot their meeting-people difficulties with that lack of confidence. Confidence plays such a large role in attraction. Maybe I've gone to the other extreme. I came across as "super-confident" (according to disasterJo), but in fact I am sensitive.

I told him how I didn't like being told that I should go to the gym when we are in bed together. He says that's another case of me being over sensitive. I don't think I am though. I genuinely don't believe it's an appropriate thing to say to someone whilst you are kissing each other in bed. He said he didn't mean it as a criticism, but as encouragement. That if he were me, he would feel intimidated, so he wanted to encourage me to go to the gym, so that I would go and therefore wouldn't need to feel intimidated. That's not how I had understood it, and I asked him not to say it to me again. He then gave me this long speech about how it's not the looks, the body or anything else, but the person that counts. I just don't know how seriously to take him on that. He says it, but all his actions run counter to that. He always complains about the little-bit of body hair that I do have. He's told me to shave my chest (which I already clipper, so I really don't think it's that over grown), to go to the gym. He's told me that he didn't like my hair gel a few weeks back - so I changed it. He's told me that he can't stand CK underwear, so I changed that. The list of things he doesn't like is so big. If they really didn't count he shouldn't keep going on and on about them!

He said he understands about my time problems, but that he would be prepared to come to me during my lunch break, just so that we could have coffee. Maybe I've felt so guilty about not seeing him, that I've convinced myself that he's giving me a hard time. Maybe he really is understanding about it.

He pointed out how I always worry about what people think of me. He says I should just let go, shouldn't care about it all, and just enjoy life. Maybe he's right? I wanted to dump him, to stop going out with him. But he's good at saying the right things. I am very confused. I don't want to see him again, but then he's defended all his actions, explained or justified them all. I didn't know what to say. I wasn't expecting that at all. He pointed out what he thought were my faults: That I'm too demanding of myself, that I worry about what people think about me, that I don't give him enough time (because he says I study too much), that I am overly sensitive and that because my life is so regimented I am unable to enjoy sex. Apart from the last point, he seems to be right. Everything he brought up is true. I know they are, but I just hadn't realised they were faults. I am very confused and feel very upset. Not just at him, but at everything. I just don't know what to do.

I've just got up. I slept really badly last night after having written the update. I just can't believe he got me doubting myself again. He's a useless piece of shit. He turns everything into a fault, and says it's my fault. Fuck that, fuck him. How dare he say that if he were me he'd be intimidated. What the fuck! Who does he think he is? God's gift to mankind? I don't think so!!! Get a life! Get real! He's not so wonderful. He's skinny too. Sure he's got slightly bigger pecs than me. But fuck, how dare he say he'd feel intimidated. I'd never thought of that. I'm a good-looking guy, how dare he. There has been a delay between him saying it, and now; but I am so offended that he could have said that. He is so lucky not to be with me now: I'd bite his head off.

So he thinks it all my fault. Well, that just shows how arrogant he is. That's it. He's being dumped. I'm not going to take any more shit from him. I am NOT over-sensitive. I just don't like being insulted. If I were as he says I am, I'd be one fucked up individual. And I am not. Not in the slightest! I have had successful relations. Sure, they haven't all lasted long, and it's been about a year since I had a long term one, but that is so normal! Sure I'm demanding of myself - isn't that how we get the best of ourselves? I care what people think: disasterJo, that's called "caring", not "being paranoid!". Stupid fuck. He thinks he can just dump all his faults and blame them on me, but he's got another thing coming. He says he doesn't mind seeing me just half an hour for coffee - but I know that's a lie. I spend the entire weekend with him, and he still complains. He doesn't say it in a nice way either! He is the biggest arsehole I have ever dated. I don't want to be his friend, I don't want him in my life. You son-on-a-bitch disasterJo. You treat me badly, you show me no respect what-so-ever, you insult me, and make me feel really bad about myself (who gave you the right to make anyone feel bad about themselves???), and then you have the audacity to say it's MY FUCKING FAULT. I hate you, and you disasterJo, are going to pay. Oh yes, I've realised that I actually hate you. That's it, you're finished. Dumped, forever, no discussing it.

He has abused my trust in the past, and reads my diary [note from P. You are actually reading this a month after it was written. This diary update is appearing on a new site. I moved to this site 10 days ago, but at time of writing, that move hadn't occurred, or even been thought of!]. .. He reads this diary. Well, how about him reading here that he's dumped. I could put in a news flash, and dropping the habit of a 1 month time delay, and announce that he's been dumped. That would be so funny. He's promised that he doesn't read the diary. But I know for a fact that he does, and that his friends do. That would be so perfect. Oh, I can make him feel bad too. I did go to meet him yesterday to make him feel bad, I just wanted to stop dating him. But instead he worked for 2 hours at destroying me. Example after example of how I was useless, and in the wrong. Next he'll be blaming me, personally, for global poverty.

Hmmm. I've calmed down a bit now. I won't dump him online first. As much fun as it would be, there just no point in being that cruel. More to the point, he'd call me immediately to have another go at me, so it wouldn't even be a quicker way to get rid of him. I've got a friend arriving from Japan this afternoon and he'll be staying for a week. I'll probably manage to use him as an excuse not to see disasterJo for the week, and then dump disasterJo next week, once I've calmed down a bit. There's no point being all worked up. I don't want to see him again, but even I don't believe in dumping people on the 'phone - so he'll just have to wait.