Well, as the most observant of you noticed, I said last week that this would be my last diary update. And indeed it is. I started publishing this online in November 1998. Since then I've had over 3,000 visitors to my site, many emails and a few guestbook entries. Thank you to all of you who have taken the time to tell me what you thought.

I have found it very insightful reading people's views/thoughts on what I've done. I don't remember exactly what I was thinking when I started publishing my diary on my web site. I did it because I considered that I'm an open person and could handle people reading about my life. I still think I'm an open person, but I think that even I have limits.... When I put the first diary-entry online, I wondered how I would react if someone wrote to me about it. In some ways I really wanted someone to take the time to write me an email... I had, after all, spent ages putting the web page online. What I didn't expect was for someone to write to me the following day. I was amazed. This guy in the States wrote to me, telling me how lucky I'd been and how he admired my openness. It made me think I was doing something worthwhile and so I continued. I would like to thank everyone for their support. To my loyal/regular readers (you know who you are!!!) I would like to offer an extra big Thank You. I've been through a couple of hard times these past months, and your kind emails have helped me more than I let on...Merci merci merci.

So why am I drawing this to a close? Well, as I said in many ways it has been great having people read my diary, and offer advice. But too many people I know read this. At first I wanted to show my friends what I had managed to produce. I've never used a web designing program, I learnt all the HTML myself and was quite proud with the result. Now however, it a different story. My family reads this, my friends read this, and despite all the denials, I know it affects their opinion of me. I don't think that's fair on me. I know I'm only ever saying my side of the story.. I am fully aware (all the time) that there is another side to the story, but I write this to help me examine what's going on in my life. I find it very useful to get my thoughts written down. I'm aware that people judge me, which is fine in theory, but ultimately affects the way I write. I keep a diary for my benefit; the moment my honesty is compromised by me worrying about what people will think, the benefits are lost. I have got to that stage now.

It's difficult trying to examine why sex hasn't worked, or why a relationship isn't working when I know that my parents are reading this, when the person involved and his friends are reading this. I published everything up to the point when I became aware that my writings were being read by David. You all know I had a big issue with him reading this. I felt very strongly, and although I understand why he gave in to the temptation, it didn't change how I felt. But above all, it changed how I felt when I was writing my updates. As I was writing them, I was wondering what he would think of them, what his friends would think, and how it would make me look. With so many questions going around my mind, I couldn't write anything at all.

But it's not just disasterJo, he acted as a catalyst. I realised that too many other people I knew were reading this too. Just last week, some of my friends were talking about this to each other in front of me. I am now SO aware of who reads this, that I can't help but think of that as I write. There is a clear conflict. I don't want to seem like a bad person to my friends, but I'm human, and so sometimes do bad things. I don't think I'd write about any future bad things in a diary that I knew was being read by so many people who are in my life.

My diary lives on, but I've gone back to the pen and paper variety. If someone offers me enough money, I'll sell it to them. Only kidding!! J (although if you DO have a *huge* stash of cash of which you want to unburden yourself....)

Anyway, I hope you all understand why I'm doing this... Thank you again for all the support.

Love

P.