Channel Selector   u and me Dear Readers 28

22nd June 2003

That P Continues!

My Dearest Readers,

How did that happen? The last diary update went online 6 weeks ago (12th May 2003) and I’ve only just got around to addressing you, my dearest readers, directly about it. Forgive me for keeping you waiting before offering you an explanation.

First of all let me say that’s it’s been a great 5 years. The site only had the coming out story and photo sections for the first 6 months, before I added the DiaryP section in the autumn of 1998.

I’ m not kidding when I say it took months before the monthly readership climbed to triple figures. From then on it was all much faster. For me, the most amazing thing was to notice that people I hadn’t met enjoyed the site. I mean it from the bottom of my heart when I say I was deeply touched by the advice you offered, and I was delighted to hear people say they felt the site helped them.

But as well as all the "good", it’s also been great fun hasn’t it? I love writing, and sharing so much of my life with so many of you has been a great experience. It feels as if there are people who know me in every town of every country. A small minority of you write regularly – you know who you are, but hello and thanks, once again. Others write sometimes, some of you write just once. Most, of course, never write but read week-in-week-out. It’s an honour to have been part of your weekly routine for as long as I have.

So if it’s all so marvellous, why end the diary? Well, let’s be clear, it’s just the diary we’re talking about – the rest of the site stays. The diary, as wonderful as it’s been for me, required a huge dedication of time and emotional energy. I always saw it as an exercise in honesty. I’ve seen people close to me make huge “mistakes” in their lives: making decisions which were bound to make them miserable, or their lives harder – and all because they kidded themselves into believing something that wasn’t true. I vowed never to make that mistake, and to force myself to be honest to myself at all times. And what better way than to start by being honest to everyone I knew? Never one to be soft on myself, I wanted to lead a totally honest and transparent life: I would have to be honest to myself if I was held accountable for my actions by others. Publishing my diary, as well as being good fun, made me accountable: and the result, I believe, is that I made the best decisions I could. Of course I made mistakes: experience teaches a lot – but I wouldn’t lie to myself, because if I did, someone would tell me. Family and friends all read the diary at different times, so I couldn’t write something which wasn’t true: someone would know, and would say so. It wasn’t an easy exercise to get used to, but it was such a beneficial one. Telling the truth isn’t often the easiest thing, especially if it’s something that will disappoint the listener – but I find it to be easier in the long run. It keeps things in balance…. I don’t think I can explain it all here, and it’s not my aim tonight anyway. But I find my life a lot easier to lead, by living it completely openly and honestly.

But, and here’s the huge BUT: having a published diary has a huge toll on those around me, and hence on me. The unintended side-effects now out weight the benefits to me of keeping a diary. I think, in all honesty, that a long-term relationship can’t handle being micro-analysed in a published diary. It’s not fair on the relationship, and it’s not fair on my partner. One of the changes which I’ve decided to make in the months ahead, is to listen more to what I’m feeling: instead of relying on my diary-analysis. Sometimes the right decision doesn’t make sense – but you know it’s the right one because of how it makes you feel. I’d like to offer my feelings more space to make themselves heard: because most of the time, I only get to listen to my head. Unless it feels right, it isn’t: no matter how much it makes sense when you write a pros and cons list. Honesty and logic can only go so far when sorting out your love-life: and for the next few years, now that I’ve got a stable long-term job, that’s what I hope will work out for me. I’ll publish occasionally snipits in other work that will let you know what’s going on, but it won’t be a regular analysis anymore.

Notwithstanding what I’ve just said, I’m still probably the most open and honest person I know. I still love to write. As the former editor of Eurogay and author of the ThatP diary, I’d like to combine my loves and try to do something new. It took 6 months before the diary idea came together enough to happen; even when it did, it took a year for the writing style to mature into something that became popular. Right now I’m trying out a new Spurt section. It’s still fairly experimental. Some weeks will be more popular than others. Topics will change, the style will change, the nature of it can change: with your feedback we’ll find something together that I enjoy writing, and you’ll enjoy reading – every relationship needs both sides to be satisfied after all… So add your own spurts to the updates, or write to me directly. We’ll work something out that suits us both....

The last thing I’d like to mention, is something I’ve been meaning to tell you for a while. Back in February the ThatP.com site showed it’s one millionth page. I wasn’t aware of that particular statistic until after the event – so I’d like to thank you all now for all the support you’ve shown, and look forward to sharing the next million page views with you.

Much love,

YourP

RIP: "P wants to have kids"